Dog training: closer to truth than most would admit

Five men are bragging about how smart their dogs are: The 1st man is an accountant, the 2nd man is a chemist, the 3rd man is an engineer, the 4th man is a linguist and the 5th is a government worker.
To show off, the accountant calls to his dog:
"Slide Rule, do your stuff!"
Slide Rule goes into the kitchen and returns with a dozen cookies. He divides them into 4 piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agrees that is pretty smart.
But the chemist says his dog can do better. He calls his dog and says:
"Test Tube, do your stuff!"
Test Tube gets up, walks over to the fridge, takes out a quart of milk, gets a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and pours exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agrees that is good.
However, the engineer says his dog can do even better. He calls his dog and orders:
"T-Square, do your stuff!"
T-Square trots over to a desk, takes out some paper and a pen and shrewdly draws a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agrees that is extremely smart.
Then the linguist says his dog is even more intelligent. He calls the dog and says:
"Chomsky, do your stuff!"
Chomsky gets the pen and writes on the paper the word "dog" in 3 languages. Everyone is amazed.
Finally, the 4 men turn to the government worker and ask: "What can your dog do?" The government worker calls the animal and says:
"Coffee Break, do your stuff!"
Coffee Break jumps to his feet, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, dumps on the paper, fines the linguist for teaching without a certificate, sexually assaults the other 4 dogs, claims that he injured his back while doing so, files a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, puts in for worker's compensation and goes home on sick leave.

An ITALIAN CAUGHT TALKING ABOUT SEX


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
- Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time.
- You foul-mouthed swine! - retorted the lady indignantly – In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!
- Hey, coola down lady - said the man - Who talkin' about sex?
I'm just tellin' my friend how to spell Mississippi !

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?
1. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About
two hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop
full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an
says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill,
follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes
back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was to go into
a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor
examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the
bottle?"

"Breast fed", she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. she did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed
examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder
this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk."

"Naturally", she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came".

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched
by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently,
the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step
ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates
at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever
seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move
away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little
fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he
obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the
man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions...


1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that ice cream and
chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking
to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

10. Eat it??? It took me ten pints to get up the courage to f@ck it.

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time
in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being
really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little
Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor,
but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat
tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he
struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna
screwdriver?"

He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this damn hubcap off."

ROFLMAO you just made my day

And here I was almost thinking your were the "straight" man ! :mrgreen:

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

Responding to a callout from outside the 'green zone' in Baghdag some
Aussie soldiers come across an
armed wounded and unconscious Iraqi rebel fighter and a similary
wounded, albeit conscious, Aussie soldier.
They ask him "what happened?"
He says - I was on patrol when I walked around the corner of a street
and smack bang into that Iraqi rebel fighter.
We both dive for cover in opposite directions. He yells out that if they
ever capture John Howard,
they will make sure that he is thoroughly sodomised by an extremely
randy camel. I yell out that if the Yanks
ever capture Osama Bin Laden they'll give him a sex change operation and
ship him off to Afghanistan.
We're both standing in the middle of the street shaking hands when this
truck hits us.

An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to
the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11
grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18
year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"

"Hey, I'm telling everybody."

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom
could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old
physician. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the
cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was
that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was
that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at
length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the
situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four
conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the
noise a single voice asked, "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause....

The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see
with whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is
having sex."

"And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with
whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth
condition?" The Pope replied, "Big tits."

Further proof that the long term implications of drugs/procedures must
be fully considered...

Over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants,
penis implants and viagra than on diseases like Alzheimer's...

In a few years we will have a lot of people running around with huge
breasts and long dicks who won't remember what to do with them...

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and
hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom."

ROFLMFAOOL

There are three Generals, a British, an American and an Australian, arguing over who has the bravest soldiers in thier army.

The British General states that the British soldier is by far the brazest in the world. To prove it, he orders a passing soldier to assualt a nearby machine gun pit. The soldier replies YES SIR, and runs head on to his death.

The two remaining generals look at each other and shake thier heads.

The American General says "That is nothing, watch this, turning to a passing soldier he orders him to jump from a plane without a chute. The soldier jumps to his death without blinking an eye.

By this stage the Aussie is laughing heartly, you guy are a joke. Watch this,.... turning to a passing soldier...Hey you go to the top of that cliff and jump off. The soldier turns to the general and says.....Fuck you, do your own dirty work.

Turning back to the other generals the aussie says, now that is guts.

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice
to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable.
A bossy businessman learned the hard way after
ordering his nurses around as if they were his
employees. But the head nurse stood up to him.
One morning she entered his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm
sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading,
I can't use an oral thermometer." This started
another round of complaining, but eventually
he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling
the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
just like that until I get back!"


She left the door to his room open on her way
out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard
people walking past his door laughing. After
almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the
room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.


Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter,
Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their
temperature taken?"

"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a dozen carnations."